Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Tender Mercies

This has been a very VERY long hard month for me, with lots of ups and downs. As I write this post I am laying in bed, where I have been since 9PM Monday. I have pretty much slept all of that time or really since 4PM Monday when I was put to sleep for my surgery. Yes, you read that right surgery. I suffered an ectopic pregnancy, which sadly I was all to familiar with since I've had close family and friends who have had to deal with this too.

Remember this post when at the bottom I gave a warning about more info to come from September. Well, I was simply waiting for the right time to show this photo...
I had a whole post in my head about what I was going to say about this photo. How when I first saw these words I cried. I wasn't sure why I was crying, whether it was happy or sad or anxious or what, all I knew was that this was an utter surprise. I think I cried off and on for 2 days as I thought about figuring out all the hows with this new addition in our family. That first day I probably said "oh crap!" to Wes close to 100 times. Some intimate details of this which helps explain our surprise at this positive confirmation (which just feel free to bypass if you'd like) is I haven't had the special visitor since Jovie was born. I had been on birth control the entire time besides about a 1 month span while I was getting insurance stuff taken care of. Annnd, I was still nursing Jovie a ton. So, I thought I had all the angles covered. Apparently not.

Well, after those first few days of pure shock I came to except this as something that was supposed to happen. And, I started to get slightly excited about it. But, I was still nervous about the details. I worry like crazy about my other kids with this happening, especially since Jovie would have been only about 17 months when this baby came and I didn't want her to feel shafted. And for some reason I was still really doubting if this was a real pregnancy or not, so I never felt the same as I did with my other 2. So right away I made my doctor appointment to be checked out. Wes and I decided to keep this strictly to ourselves until we knew for sure after the apt. what was going on.

About 1 1/2 weeks finally went by and I had my first appointment. The Dr started by looking for the heartbeat on my belly... but couldn't find anything. He wasn't worried because I could be newly pregnant. So he then used an internal ultrasound and couldn't find anything in the uterus which seemed weird to him. But, he also said his machine was being funky. So, instead he set me up to do lab work that week (2) and go to an ultrasound place to have a tech do one as well. So, my week became very busy between lab work, and all the other stuff I was needing to do.

I went back to my Dr on Friday to go over results. I failed to bring Wes with me to this appointment which I later regretted as it is nice to have a hand to hold during hard news. But, I was happy he was home taking care of our children during this all, and really he wouldn't have been able to do anything to make it better, so it was fine. My doc. walked in and first thing he says is, "Well, I am concerned....." Not really words I wanted or was expecting to hear. He then said my HCG (blood level) was very high proving I was or had been pregnant. But, the ultrasound tech could also not find anything in my uterus but did find a mass in my right tube. So, he said while he couldn't guarantee it was an ectopic until he got inside, he was pretty sure that was what had happened. He then said he wanted to get it taken care of right away as these could be very dangerous even leading to death. Crazy enough the hospital would not let me have the surgery until Monday so it was a LONG weekend of waiting, and stressing about every little pain I was having.

Finally on Monday with the kids staying with family I was able to go have the surgery. It was a crazy and very new experience as I was rolled through the hospital into an operating room.. I've never had anything like that before. I remember talking very little with the nurses and my Dr. then I was OUT. Out for about 3 hours (the surgery was a little over an hour and a half). It was apparently not as easy as they had hoped because the baby was not only attached to my tube but partially to my uterus too. My doctor said he had only seen this 4 times ever, and the last time was 12 years ago, so no, not common. He also told Wes this may have saved me, because for as far along as I was it was shocking my tube had not ruptured. So, they had to cut part of my uterus to do the surgery and apparently I lost a lot of blood where they almost had to do a blood transfusion. Luckily they did not, but boy howdy I had a hard time waking up, and people kept talking to me and telling me things and I was just not mentally there. Thank goodness they told Wes too so he was able to share info with me once I was coherent enough. They were able to look at my other tube, which looked great, meaning I should not have any problem getting pregnant again and having more babies. For a while I was convincing myself that even if I could not have more children (which was not our plan, I've always said at least 4) I was blessed with 2 beautiful girls that I could love and take care of and be 100% happy with them. The biggest bummer about all of it in my mind is I think I will have to do c-sections for now on because of the uterine cut.

However, through all of this I have been very able to see the Lord's hand in my life and his being very aware of me. There was really never a reason for me to take the pregnancy test to begin with. Besides all those things I listed earlier, I wasn't feeling pregnant. I would wake up starving which usually only happens when I am pregnant and my nipples hurt like crazy when I would nurse, which after 8 months should not have been happening. So, I feel like I was blessed to have figured things out so quickly so this didn't end worse. And Wes and I have talked a lot about how trials make us better people. They make us bond together and turn to the Lord. I also received 2 truly inspired blessings from my man that I know helped.

I have had my testimony strengthened through this experience. My Heavenly Father knows me, and each of us individually. He wants to help us and love us. I also know that he could have stopped this storm from happening, but he allowed it for my benefit and those around me.

So, while this has been a very hard thing to go through and I have experienced many different emotions and pains... which BTW this pain and recovery is a TON worse than any child birthing or any other experience I have ever had, I do know that I will benefit from this experience and have a greater understanding of others trials and will be a better person for it.


Camille said...

Consider this a big hug through the internet. I'm so sorry friend. I think a Knodd dinner is in the works. Can't wait to see you.

April and Jason said...

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that :-( My heart aches for you. What an amazing attitude though. You are an inspiration! I hope you recover quickly and feel better soon.

Wendy Reves said...

I am sorry to hear this. You are a truly strong and inspirational woman. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

Jessica Todd said...

I'm so sorry April! It's definitely amazing the tender mercies our Heavenly Father gives to us during these trials. You are an amazing woman, wife and mommy and like you said, this trial will only strengthen those roles. love you!

Paul/Heather said...

I LOVE how you chose to be open and honest about your experience and feelings. You are a wise girl to see the tender mercies and to know how He loves, protects and strengthens us. Happy, Happy, Happy you are recovering. Love ya!