How I wish it was only a few days of crazy April around here, but my pregnancy hormones are in full swing. I seriously don't remember being such an emotional wreck when I was pregnant with Peyton. I don't think I was, but man alive, with this child I am a crazy person. If I am honest, I think the physical pain of birthing a child has to be easier on us women then the poor men dealing with a crazy spouse for X number of months. That seems way harder because you never know what will set me off or the best way to deal with me. Poor poor Wes. He is such a good man, but so bad with words sometimes. hahahahaha
Example: The other day I looked at myself in the mirror and just completely broke down. I just felt disgusting. So, I sat on the ground and cried. Wes found me there and with a baffled expression asked what was wrong. I then both laughing and crying tried to convince him to take all the mirrors in the house down because they were going to be the death of me. He said that was crazy talk and hugged me not really knowing what else to do. Of course he reminded me numerous times I was pretty and pregnant, but at that time, I didn't care, I just knew I wasn't feeling very good about myself. I was also very tired. :)
Another example: I cried because after going out and specially buying a box of brownies (I wonder why I feel so fat :/) I could not find the box after searching the kitchen, and in frustration just cried and brought in every other thing that bugged me from the day. Really April, crying over brownies? Really?!
More?: My sisters and Wes were teasing me about baby names one night, and I lost it. Sorry girls. I totally know I was being teased but like I said, I am a little out of control these days.
Pretty much I live on the razors edge of tears anymore.... which when I am not pregnant is very unlike me. But, worst and hardest of all is dealing with the real problems we have in life. Finances, work, cars, time, etc... all these things just seem to eat me alive each and every day. I can't seem to be able to get past the hard things and it just adds to the stress I feel all the time which then leaves me wanting to cry because of said stress, and makes dealing with dumb trivial things so much harder.
Recently I was reading an article in the April conference Ensign and while I can't remember the title, speaker or even the specifics I remember him saying that trials are for our benefit. I can attest to that, because I've had trials that at the time seemed like they would never end, and I could never get over them. With time I can look back and realize the good that has come from them. I can see the growth I've had, and even (like childbirth) I've forgotten a lot of the pain I felt at the time. So, I know that while I am an emotional wreck and things seem so hard now I will get over them too and have wonderful growth because of them. Perhaps my experiences will benefit someone else and I can provide comfort. I write this because if I am to make this a true journal, I must mention the not so wonderful emotions I have. And acknowledge that life is hard, but oh so good.
I also write this as a warning, that if you come across me and for any reason I start to cry, don't feel too bad, it happens a lot right now. Just laugh with me about it the next time we see one another, okay?!